Have you ever wondered what it would be like to date a superhero? And if so, who would be the best superhero to go out on a date with? You’ve never wondered. What, never? Just us then…
You can’t miss their online dating profiles, we see them all the time; boring job, nerdy photo (ruse!) but well travelled and athletic in build? You know the ones…
But let’s face it, often superheroes are the loneliest as saving the world leaves little time for finding love. So they’d be pretty cool to date or have a fling with, right? Fly me round the world one more time and all that? Hmm, we need to ask the experts…
KEERRRPOWW! Enter Comic Book And Movie Reviews (greetings) who know a thing or two about every Superhero going; warts, irksome chafing, tantrums, egos, dark moments, they got the lycra tee. A hotline for the ‘supers’ the CBMR team are up all night listening to their non-stop moaning about the bad guys and how they are sick of ‘taking one for the world’ once again.
Still think you’d like to date a superhero? Might want to (telepathically) think again….
Batman – He’s got a cool car, and a pretty nice house. Yeah it’s cool that if you ever dinner date at the top of the Oxo Tower or checked out the view at The Shard, he won’t be taking you back down in the lift. His gruff and muffled voice might be attractive at first but having to lean in close in a noisy bar to hear one of his few words, might grate your nerves after a while. But, if you’re a sucker for the dark and brooding type, and let’s face it, he’s one moody sod, please remember that even though he maybe stinking rich and pretty damn handsome, it’s a dead cert that even if you could get that rubber suit off with a whole bottle of talc, he’d probably be rubbish in bed anyway and even worse at telling jokes. Plus he’d talk about himself. Endlessly. Or cry to his butler. Or stand precariously on top of a high building so you’d constantly be nagging him to ‘get down from there before you fall!”
Superman – Sure. So he’s the most powerful and most popular superhero in the whole wide world and he’d protect you in a fight and never make a straining noise when he lifts you no matter how heavy you got. But his dress sense is pretty naff, right? Do red pants worn on the outside really do it for you? And picture the scene. You’ve picked your very best matching underwear set, you’re saving it for the big moment..but he’s already clocked it the moment he flies through your window. Letch. And he doesn’t have a car. Yes flying above the beautiful twinkling lights of London is all very well on a balmy, hot summer’s night but add wind, rain or snow to the equation, and you won’t be looking too hot by the time you touch down. And, as he doesn’t feel human pain in costume, he won’t be aware that your whimpering under his arm isn’t elation but actually the onset of severe pneumonia.
Wonder Woman – Just like Kal’l, on the surface Diana appears like the type of person who seems to have it all. She’s got the looks. She’s got the figure and she’s also got that whole patriotic costume thing going on to spice things up. But underneath it all, my friends, she sure is one hell of a stubborn cow. She will always win an argument with her trusted lasso and it kinda dents the ego when your girlfriend can beat you at arm wrestling. Plus she’s got a bad habit of rushing off looking for some hidden location, dark alleyway or disused warehouse to do her ‘thing.’ Really? Crack habit. That’s between you and I.
Green Arrow – Did you know that this hooded cretin has been married, divorced, and even cheated on his better half with a trained assassin? Yep, another brooding type women think they can tame/change. OK. So he might possess a pert butt and designer stubble. But I tell you something for nothing, he doesn’t smell too sweet either. And he’s ripped off Robin Hood so it won’t be long before the ‘merry men’ catch up with him and sue is butt for every penny. Green clobber and on benefits? Not so attractive now, huh. You get our point. 
Harley Quinn – Do we even need to write anything here? She’s crazy and she’s cute. So if you’re in the mood for a very agile mercenary that is a member of covert suicidal task force, float your boat on good old Ms J. But please remember, folks, her ex is a serial killer with a very devilish smile, and it has been known for her to swing around one humungous hammer on occasion…
Spiderman – According to his theme tune, ‘Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can’. Really? In that case Spiderman is actually programmed to kill his date within 50 minutes of courtship by tearing off their limbs and then defecating their remains on his next partner. You’ve had better dates we’re guessing. And let’s face it, Peter Parker without the Spiderman clobber is a total nerd. The two characters too extreme. You’d find yourself creating the next city catastrophe just so he’d don the damn costume and man up. And Peter Parker in bed? Er, you’d want the Spider and don’t get us wrong, the whole webbing thing offers some exciting possibilities in the bedroom but imagine getting it in your hair? It would never come out. There’s also a high chance it would fire without warning during the throws of passion and hit you in the eye. Blinding. Then there’s MJ. She hangs around like a bad smell and it seems Spidey is still smitten…
So there you have it, our mortal friends. The superheroes laid bare. Still keen to date one? Suddenly dating ‘a normal’ doesn’t look so bad, huh…?
Ever dated a superhero? Tell us @Lovestruck
Tweet
