Wimbledon returns today! Two weeks of ‘Murray Mania’ followed by a fortnight of fully booked out tennis courts, rocketing sales in tennis gear and nobody actually sniggering when men talk about ‘hitting winners off their forehand.’
Tennis is sort of sexy, isn’t it? All that grunting and groaning, crisp clean tennis whites against long tanned limbs…we digress.
If you’re heading to the local courts to net yourself a pro, it isn’t good enough just to look the part. You need to recite the terminology quicker than a Djokovic Ace.
Lovestruck to serve:
Serve it up: Ace: A super fast serve that leaves the opponent standing stupid for a few seconds. Flat serve: Without much spin. Spin? Topspin: makes balls drop faster and makes it harder to return. It’s a technique bit hitters have to use to avoid hitting the ball out of SW4. A Slice Forehand: gives the ball backspin and keep it low to the opponent. Volley: to say you can volley indicates you’re pretty OK at tennis. This is the shot where the ‘machine gun fire’ shots where the balls never get a chance to bounce. Lobs: Those desperate shots hit high into the sky you normally see when the opponent only just manages to reach the ball. They’re normally followed by a cracking Overhead slam: which draws gasps from admiring fans – it’s pretty cool. Unless you miss, then you’ll hear spectators mutter something rhyming with ‘what a sad pranker.’
Don’t say: “How could you miss that overhead slam, you sad pranker?”
What a Racquet: They’re no longer wooden. OK seriously, we’d safely say in tennis, this is one of the most important pieces of kit. We wouldn’t be surprised if most pro-tennis players kept them under their pillows, the relationship is that strong. Design? We’re talking serious engineering on a space-age level: Kevlar fibres, titanium, molybdenum and delirium.
Don’t say: “Are Wilson, Head, Prince & Babolat the names of your best mates?”
Stringing me along: Good old animal-intestine strings are still used for racquets but a serious tennis player will use a modern polyester (poly’s) If they ask which string you prefer, state the old cat-gut gives you ‘more feel’ No one can argue with ‘More feel’ it’s too personal. About now, your tennis date should start to look at you like they would if they were about to break Federa’s serve.
Don’t say: “I can’t believe they still kill cute kitty’s to make the strings.” Catgut is actually Cowgut…which we appreciate is still no consolation to the cow.
Fuzzy Balls: If something looks amiss within his shorts, it’s because he has three balls. A ‘can.’ Can’s contain three tennis balls, the minimum balls tennis players can play with.
Do say: ‘Can you play properly with tennis balls in your pocket? Oh you’re not…”
In the bag: How big is it? The bigger the kit bag the better player you are is the general rule. This indicates you need spares: racquets, several ‘can’s’ of balls, sports drinks, towels, 53 bananas, overgrips, and sometimes an inflated ego.
Don’t say: “Did you know that when you bend over, white is really see-through?”
Game, set, match: So you’re talking liker a tennis pro, you know your lobs from your volley’s, topspin from you overhead slam and your pro-tennis date has moved in from the base-line to get a better look. You’re can see yourself splashed across the media, rubbing perfect hair with Kim Murray on Centre Court, the box reserved for ‘the partners.’
“So, you wanna a game?” they’re asking.
Don’t say: Yes. Feign injury, fast.
Are you a tennis lover? Which tennis-pro would you love to ‘court? Tell us @Lovestruck
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