Hello Lovestruckers! It’s Bluffer’s here and this week we’re especially honoured to be addressing you, the dating intelligentsia. Why? Because Valentine’s Day is on its way and 
V-Day is to daters what Christmas is to Christians: fraught with expectation and significance. Don’t worry, we’re here to help.
WHY WOULD IT BE DIFFICULT TO FIND A DATE FOR THE MOST ROMANTIC DAY OF THE YEAR?
If you think dating on the biggest red-letter day of the dating calendar is easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy then you must have been paying attention to our Bluffer’s Guides to Dating. Congratulations, we wish you well! For the rest of you, Valentine’s Day is steeped in tradition and with tradition comes great responsibility. Everything means more on 14 February; from where you buy your flowers (avoid garage forecourts!) to how late you rock up to the restaurant…
I SEE YOUR POINT. SO HOW DO I SURVIVE V-DAY?
There’s no single answer to how to bluff your way through Valentine’s Day: what works for an established couple will have both halves of a fledgling relationship running (separately) for the nearest tube (let’s hope Bob Crowe is feeling more benevolent by then). So skip to a dating timescale which most applies to you:
FIRST DATE
Combining your first date with Valentine’s Day is risky, but not necessarily completely foolhardy (and at least ensures you have somewhere to be on what would otherwise be a 
pretty depressing Friday night). There are just a couple of rules to adhere to. Firstly, don’t go to a restaurant – anywhere you go will be brimming with couples who know exactly what the other one is about to order, say and argue about. You can’t compete with this sort of intimacy.
Opt for tickets to something fun instead (this is also a good idea because you can pretend the 14th was the only date not yet sold out, relinquishing you from any misread Valentine’s demonstrations of commitment). Secondly, reference (and make light of) the significance of the day within the first few minutes of your date. There’s no point ignoring the giant red Valentine elephant in the room, when you both know you’re only just getting to know each other.
ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY
This is slightly trickier because in a month of dating you will presumably have grown quite attached to the new person in your life. Go too big (i.e. taking the day off work to strew rose petals all the way down their street) and you’ll terrify them, but go too small (i.e. forgetting to buy even forecourt flowers) and you’ll find yourself back to square single before the sun rises on the 15th.
So as a bluffer, you should utilise the power of your wit and opt for the semi-ironic overblown gesture. Buy them a tacky gift basket – complete with teddy bear, heart-shaped pillow and your last Rolo – but couple this with an impish grin and a genuinely heart-felt message in the card or a return reservation to the restaurant you visited on your first date.
ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY
No bluffing needed. You’ve got a guaranteed date planned, unless they’re busy seeing their single friends or off on business, and even then you should feel secure enough in your relationship to spend this somewhat bogus holiday in separate beds. Just remember what we said about the heightened importance of your chosen florist and your timekeeping skills on the 14th.
HEADED FOR THE AISLE
If you’ve been dating your partner for longer than you can remember (there’s no harm in jotting down the date of your anniversary) then you’re back in the bluffing danger zone. The important thing is to keep your cool, any nervous or out of character behaviour will convince your better half that you’re A) about to jump ship or B) trying to conceal the fact that you’ve hidden an engagement ring in their soufflé. Even if there’s some truth in scenarios A or B, you don’t want to show your hand.
So suggest staying in and cooking. It’s safer there: you’re unlikely to ditch, or get hitched to anyone in your kitchen.
DO SAY ‘I know Valentine’s is a ridiculous holiday but it gave me an excuse to buy you that hilariously oversized bear so it can’t be all bad.’
DON’T SAY ‘STOP! Are you going to eat all that soufflé in one mouthful?’
