The office Christmas party, much like a production of The Bacchae, is a time of lawlessness and abandon when inter-company entanglements transform into a seemingly ‘good idea at the time’. This is the only day of the year when you can finally take the plunge and ask out Mark from HR or Katie from Accounts safe in the knowledge that if you strike out you 
can always blame the cut-price cava for your forwardness.
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?
No. It is of course a terrible idea. Office romances are categorically a bad idea. But if you’ve been harbouring this secret desire since before social media then you owe it yourself (and to the spirit of mistletoe-adorned Christmas parties) to break your vow of silence. We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: this is your one chance to pop the question (not that one) without ruining your chance of remaining in employment.
WHY IS THE XMAS PARTY A GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD?
Because you will have made sure that the only decorations Sue spent the budget on were mistletoe (‘It’s cheap, classy and organic, Sue!’). Then, if your offer of a date, or a kiss, is rebuffed, point to the closest sprig and laugh it off. If you were too merry at the time for this sort of quick-witted damage limitation and wake up to a hangover that even hurts your hair follicles and a text from your intended saying something along the lines of ‘I must have been so drunk last night, I thought I remembered you suggesting drinks. Ha ha, how weird would that be!’ then there are a few more ways to backtrack like billy-o.
GO ON…
The obvious solution is to claim somebody spiked your drink. Although if your office party took place in your actual office then this is a risky accusation to make. Instead, while walking past Katie’s desk, loudly remark to someone else that you had a toxic reaction to a course of prescription drugs you were on, and passed out with no memories to speak of. If you’d rather not drag drugs into the workplace, just blame the open bar. But remember, this is meant to be a bluff. Try not to actually get so drunk you couldn’t recount your evening under oath.
BUT SHOULD I STILL PROCEED WITH CAUTION?
Even with this Christmassy crumple zone there are a few rules you should abide by. For example, don’t stray too far from your own management level. Junior directors can try the moves on MDs, and intern on intern action is almost expected. But whatever the time of year, interaction between CEOs and interns should be conducted on a strictly epistolary basis. Actually, CEOs should always scrupulously avoid office dating (and probably office parties). This might all seem shamefully hierarchical, but if you’re planning on asking a co-worker on a date it’s best if you don’t have to ask them to do some photocopying at the same time. The same isn’t true for more junior employees, but they should stray as far from their desk and floor as possible.
IS ANYONE COMPLETELY OFF LIMITS?
Your boss: for obvious reasons. And your secretary or assistant: it’s a tired cliché and they know far too much about your day-to-day life. And anyone who’s in any way already attached.
MAXIMUM BLUFFING VALUE
A survey carried out back in 2011 found that 46% of those asked believed office romances should be policed by company policy. But a similar survey three years previously found just 1/3 of people worried by inter-colleague dating. Job hunting-site Monster Worldwide, who commissioned said 2011 survey, blamed the downturn in the job market for this increase in cautiousness; risking your job for a relationship is apparently not worth it. So with Eurozone unemployment having fallen for the first time since February 2011 does this mean we’re all more likely to fall for a colleague this quarter?
DON’T SAY ‘I’ve been watching you from my cubicle since your first day here.’
DO ASK ‘Did you see that new sushi place on the corner of Golden Square? We should try it some time.’
