It’s an easy thing to do while you’re dating a ‘nobody serious right now.’ Have a friend with benefits. And it should be a simple thing. Seriously. At its core – it’s the simplest possible kind of relationship. Isn’t it?
With a cautious perspective and a thoughtful rub of his chin, Nick Bastion over at Vixen Daily shares how and why you need to lay down those ground #rules:
Two people. Both of them want no-strings-attached sex. Neither wants a commitment, or a relationship. So they both get exactly that. No one asks for more, everyone gets what they want, and nothing bad happens. Right? Wrong.
The problem is when people try to have a friends with benefits arrangement in the real world – and things get really messy really fast.
The core thing to understand about being FWB with someone is that it should be simple. Simple as in – no commitment, no confusion about what you’re there for, and no drama whatsoever.
The reason to get into a FWB arrangement is to have someone you can satisfy your sexual needs with without any of the complicated parts of a relationship, and without having to find some guy at a bar. It should be with someone you trust to be discreet, low key, and relaxed. Someone you’re attracted to and who’s attracted to you – and someone who you can be totally comfortable exploring with.
That’s the ideal of a friends with benefits rules arrangement.
So the first step towards that is finding a guy you vibe with who isn’t connected to your life in any way. That means no ex boyfriends, no friends, no coworkers – no one who is connected with your social circle at all.
If you want to stop the arrangement, you should be able to cut things off and never have to see this guy again. Plus, that way, you can be totally uninhibited with him and explore anything you want. If it has no way of getting back to your social circle, you don’t have to worry about being judged by the people in your life – and you can explore whatever you’re into without fear of judgment.
That’s the first step to a positive FWB arrangement. Here’s the second one:
It’s about sex. Purely sex. That’s it.
If you’re lonely and looking for a human connection – look elsewhere. If you want someone to watch a comedy with and laugh – look elsewhere. If you’re feeling down and need a pick me up – look elsewhere.
Your FWB is not your boyfriend. He’s not even your friend.He’s a guy you like having sex with – with no other attachments whatsoever. That’s it.
The second you expand that relationship to cover any other need in your life, you’re opening the door for BOATLOADS of drama. That’s because once you open up emotionally to him – you start to get attached to him. If you go to him when you’re feeling down and he’s there for you – you’ll start to rely on him.And that means you’ll start to develop feelings for him. And that’s the LAST thing you want in a FWB arrangement.
It’s only when people complicate things and start adding emotions and emotional needs to the mix that most FWB arrangements fall apart. So if you can avoid that pitfall – you’ll avoid 99% of the drama, heartbreak, and disaster that comes from failed FWB arrangements. That’s the single biggest mistake that people in FWB arrangements make – and it’s the biggest mistake that causes them to crash and burn.
Of course – there are other guidelines you should follow. He should be totally free to pursue and hook up with anyone else – just like you are. There’s no jealousy allowed in a FWB arrangement. You should both feel totally comfortable hooking up with whoever you want – and that means you should also both be practicing safe sex every time.
You really should keep yourself on the dating market – and keep going on dates with other guys. Your FWB is NOT your long term partner – so don’t treat him like one, and don’t slack off on going on dates either. Your FWB is someone who can help you meet your sexual needs while you look for a long term Mr. Right – not as a replacement for romance.
Finally, you should both feel totally comfortable ending things for any reason. If things start to feel heavy or drama filled – end it, fast. It’s way easier to nip trouble in the bud and cut off a FWB arrangement before things really turn sour. It’s much harder to extricate yourself from the wreckage AFTER things have crashed and burned.
So if it starts to feel bad and less fun – end it! You’ll save yourself tons of drama and pain.
So enjoy each other, and experiment and explore in comfort. If you keep things simple, it can be a hell of a lot of fun.
What are your thoughts on FWB? Can it ever lead to a happy ending? Tell us @Lovestruck
