Hello Lovestruckers, Bluffer’s again! This week we’re helping London’s aspiring lovers (aka, you) navigate the tricky terrain of dating a cyclist. Not applicable?
Well, according to Transport for London, cyclists make up 24% of the morning’s rush hour traffic, so the likelihood of you running into one soon is pretty high. Almost as likely as you being mowed down by cyclist-plus-bike on the Cycle Superhighway.
Never heard of the Cycle Superhighway? It’s that electric blue cycle lane you just jaywalked across…
WHY WOULD IT BE DIFFICULT TO DATE A CYCLIST?
Ask the abandoned other halves who have only just managed to peel their partners away from coverage of the Tour of Britain. This is an 8-stage, 1,159.3km race around the moors and rivers of Britain which, luckily, only takes place once a year and, luckily, has just ended. It’s worth remembering that Bradley Wiggins for Team Sky was this year’s winner.
Slip this into conversation and you’re guaranteed to see a look of pride flicker across your date’s sun-weathered face. But quit while you’re ahead, any mention of he who must not be named (ie. the disgraced Lance Armstrong) will sour an evening quicker than mentioning the success of what have become popularly known as ‘Boris’ bikes at Barclays HQ.
SO WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO?
Calloused hands, bikes propped up against the walls of your hallway and (unless you can look dignified riding pillion) lonely tube journeys home. Oh, and a lot of jargon. There are fixies (fixed-gear bikes) and clipless pedals (which confusingly still have clips), chasers (boy racers) and squirrels (shaky cyclists), and… bacon (a lovely term for all those scabs).
It’s also worth mentioning that, unlike runners, yoga bunnies or football fans, cyclists can (and do) stay out for hours. Runners hit the wall, yoga sessions end in slow breathing exercises after 90 minutes and football matches finish with last orders. But cyclists can top speeds of 60mph (downhill…) and are essentially sitting down, meaning that they can cover impressive distances and that your weekends will be made up of snapshots and shapchats of the miles they’ve traversed.
SURELY THERE ARE SOME PLUS POINTS?
Of course! For starters, their photo diary of London and its environs beats your own album of cappuccinos and dogs on the tube hands down. What’s more, there have never been so many well-designed bike shop-come-cafes to choose from. Old Street original Look Mum No Hands! is an obvious choice, but Rapha (Brewer Street) and Tokyo Fixed (Golden Square) are also easy places in which to while away a Sunday afternoon.
MAXIMUM BLUFFING VALUE
It might be difficult to hold your tongue about cycle safety when you hear that 122 London cyclists were killed in 2012. But nagging on about the importance of helmets might, in fact, be unnecessary. Studies have shown that wearing a blonde wig (or no helmet at all) is more likely to protect cyclists from bullish drivers (who consequently afford them more leeway). What this says about the attitudes of said bullish drivers is another matter entirely.
Unfortunately, texting whilst en route is still dangerous so steel yourself for slow response times. Or suggest they ask Siri to type out their texts for them, as you hand them a blonde wig for the ride home…
DON’T SAY ‘SMIDSY’ (Sorry Mate I Didn’t See You.)
DO ASK ‘Do you want to go on a cycle ride away from London roads this weekend so I can come too?’
