Meeting the family is not normally something you’re required to do within the first few weeks of dating someone; having dinner with Mr and Mrs Smith is an activity saved for long-standing couples with shared toothbrushes, or shares in toothbrush companies. But, young bluffers, with one-third of the UK’s 25- to 30-year-olds now living in their parental abodes, meeting the ’rents and additional offspring might well happen sooner than you think. Fingers crossed you don’t have to meet them on Friday the 13th…
OH HELP, HOW DO I MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION?
If your wardrobe won’t allow you to dress to impress, at least dress to appease the critical eye of your date’s family. Stained, crumpled clothes that you fished out of the dirty laundry basket mere hours before sheepishly shaking their hands are not acceptable attire. Leave your grillz and your plugs at home and if you were planning on finally getting round to shaving off half your hair à la Alice Delall, leave it one more day.
WHAT SHOULD I CALL THEM?
Steer clear of calling the parents Mr and Mrs [insert surname of your date, if known]. You’ll sound like Perry from Kevin and Perry and they’ll know you’re hiding something. This does mean you have to listen very carefully during the initial introductions; there’s nothing endearing about calling Susie Sherry all evening.
AND THE SIBLINGS?
Siblings shouldn’t be underestimated; they have the power to make or break your fledgling relationship. One nod from them and you’re out the door. But don’t try and befriend them at the expense of your squeaky clean first impression. So, it’s not a good idea to ask if they want to pop out for a quick cig within earshot of their parents.
WHAT ARE THE SAFE TOPICS OF CONVERSTION?
This isn’t a job interview and you’re not trying to stand out – so boring beats zany. Safe talking points include: the abysmal/surprisingly nice weather; funny typos in the pub or restaurant menu; your date’s more adorable idiosyncrasies and your job (unless this is likely to send everyone into a slumber or get you in trouble with MI6).
AND WHAT ABOUT THE ABSOLUTE NO-NOS?
Sex, drugs and a detailed history of your family’s medical history. No one wants to see a photo of your Granny’s snaggletooth. Oh and don’t ask their ‘little’ Jonny what prison was really like.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A NIGHTMARE!
Only if you accidentally drink an entire bottle of wine and end up in the pub with your date and their parents and no memory of this ever happening. If you pace yourself, smile lots and avoid accidentally admitting that you don’t really ‘get’ children then you’ll live to die another day…
MAXIMUM BLUFFING VALUE
Whist fumbling with your phone or popping off to the toilet as the bill arrives is not socially or morally acceptable while with a date, it is when having dinner with their family. Parents love to pay for things (this is a well-known fact) and you needn’t feel guilty because they’ll have chosen the venue so they won’t end up paying more than they’re happy to.
DO SAY ‘Thank you for dinner/having me.’ (Followed by a visit to Interflora.co.uk.)
DON’T SAY ‘It’s weird, because you look like your brother but he’s better looking.”
